Welcome to antidepressant044 / 700000 registered / 101% believes / Life still pretty g00d / 123321 SSRIs left / d1nny still best femb0i / Koi last seen 9 years ago / Ahiga currently sexting / Seenery playing Yakuza / Surge currently fucking tomboys / DJ taking estrogen / celery putting forks in sockets / Tsuki gay index 1000

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ad's (yearly) diary

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Layer 03: Psyche - July 22, 2023.

Hello everyone! You know, before starting to write this entry I skimmed over my previous ones, and noticed that I always tend to start each "blog entry" or whatever you want to call it with "Hello everyone". Up until now it has been purely coincidental, I never put in deliberate effort to start them that way but I think I'll make it a standard practice from now on :D. It makes me wonder just who that "everyone" is - how many people read these posts as I write them. Are there people I haven't interacted with that remember my birthday to check this page on 22nd of July? I doubt it but that would be very cool.

Regardless of all that, here I am, celebrating my 22nd, GOLDEN birthday. Ironically enough, this is probably the worst I've felt on this date so far. Aside from just not feeling very great mentally, my tinnitus + hyperacusis combo came back yesterday. For those unaware, tinnitus (in my case) means hearing constant "ringing" with no external source, and hyperacusis (again, in my case) means sensitivity to noise, making basic everyday stuff, such as talking to another person, anything from unpleasant to downright awful. I've experienced episodes of these conditions twice before, each time the ringing in my ears was constant, but this time it seems to be reactive - in complete silence I can barely hear any ringing, it only appears to increase in volume to "match" other external sounds, which is pretty chill since that means I get to sleep fine, at least. "Your body is a temple" they say XD! Quite a solid temple! Can't even manage to listen to Klangkünstler's divine music at proper volume without having to deal with/worry about this shit. I'm assuming listening to music may cause harm to The Temple, which is what the Bible meant by "taking care of it", among other things. The craziest part is damage caused by noise is usually irreversible. There is no "cure" for it, at least. I assume this is because the process of evolution didn't deem it necessary for these things to have regenerative capabilities since humans back then didn't have access to good Techno, which meant less hearing damage, not to mention the questionable amount of impact minor hearing damage would have on survivability. All in all this is fucking stupid.

Besides that, as I mentioned above, I've not been feeling great mentally. I look back fondly on the days when I was a kid, playing World of Warcraft with friends and listening to Mt Eden. Have you ever thought about the feeling of "being at home"? I don't mean that literally, it's just a certain feeling that I can't really put into words exactly. I associate those kinds of memories, or "states" rather, with that feeling. The only worry I had back then was the holidays ending, but it wasn't a big deal since they seemed to last a very long time. It was just a constant sense of stability and well-being. Don't have that anymore though. I guess those things just disappear as you grow up, and all you're left with is a completely unpredictable future, full of worries and stress. The realization that that feeling of "being at home" might not come back in any shape or form, leaves me with a feeling I can only describe as wanting to vomit my soul out. I do realize I sound like a boomer rambling on about "the good old days", which I assume isn't normal for someone my age but it is what it is :D. I believe this feeling led me to develop a need for avoidance towards change, or rather the need for change. The natural thing to ask in that case would be how anyone or anything can function within that framework - the way my brain seems to rationalize these feelings is by believing that by going through enough drastic changes a given system will converge to a point where it doesn't need to change anymore. Basically the equivalent of "refactoring" in programming. So in my mind change is necessary, as long as it leads to a point where it isn't. That's the most pragmatic definition I've come up with for the word "perfect". A program whose only purpose is to print out "Hello World" on the screen is easy to make perfect by that definition. For systems that are far more complicated, such as life or "the world" or whatever else, that state of not having to change would be hard to define, let alone attain, but that's just the price you pay for having a complex system. Ironically enough these feelings led me to become more open to change, since every time it happens there's a slight hope that this might just be the "final" state, so I welcome it with open arms, but that's never the case nor do they make the process of change any more pleasant. If anything they make it more clear how far I've gone from that feeling of being at home I mentioned earlier. All I can do is just hope that given enough time life will bring those feelings back one way or another, and never change again.

Now on to the less depressing parts of our post! Starting with the usual programming-related part. I didn't work on any super interesting projects this year, but I still did program a lot. Wrote a simple disassembler for RISC-V in Haskell, and mostly wrote C, (C-style) C++ and Rust for various small projects, including a small but (mostly) usable debugger for x86_64 Linux. Writing one from scratch was a lot of work, even when automating the DWARF info parsing by using a library! Lots of platform-specific quirks you have to look out for, alongside managing general performance of the application. Rust was also a very interesting language, the first couple of days of using it were pure misery, constantly filled with feelings such as "I JUST want it to let me get this shit done" - I noticed that my programming style is a lot messier - I tend to implement a wacky solution at first just to get a feel for the overall architecture of the part I'm working on, then refactoring and refining it, but that kind of approach sometimes appeared to be locked away in Rust with it's compiler-enforced rules for safety. As time went on though I rarely found myself in such situations, I guess it's just a matter of getting accustomed to the language, and not having anxiety about random segmentation faults is pretty cool.
I also discovered Casey Muratori's channel which has been extremely helpful. I remember when I first started programming I used to have a thought along the lines of "I'll keep it simple for now and THEN perhaps the time will come when thing XYZ (OOP being the easiest example) that I don't understand why anyone would want to do will start to magically make sense". Needless to say that time never came. Looking back on it now even the thought itself is nonsensical, since simplicity IS what I should be striving for. Casey's channel was eye-opening in that regard, seeing someone 44 times more experienced and smarter than me have this approach of pure pragmatism in regards to programming was very reassuring. It's kind of sad that this seems to be the exception rather than the rule in the field, but it is what it is. With these new approaches/ideas I'll very likely end up rewriting some of my older projects (again), which will be very interesting!

You might have also noticed I made some changes to the website's overall design this year, I found that I didn't really "resonate" with the old one's "intro" part anymore, it felt too shitposty. The new one is arguably even more shitposty but I still like it more :D. It's basically a collection of random cool images I had saved on my PC over the last year, I'm pretty happy with how it turned out - it's bright, happy and colorful :D!

Aside from that I've been doing the usual, playing League of Legends (hit a new peak of 450 LP this season (EUW)), watching shows (Time Machine Blues was fucking awesome, past me would have been very happy with it), and stuff like that.

I also noticed in my previous entry that the me a year ago apparently felt that "adding a post required way more effort than it should have". I still have no idea what he meant by that. It is basically as easy as it can be for a pure HTML/CSS website. I think I made some changes to the website to make it a bit easier but forgot about it/did it after writing that post maybe? I have no idea. At least compared to last year the weather was pretty chill on my birthday, constantly sunny and all that good stuff, which is good.

I'd prefer to avoid making comments such as these as much as possible so as to not sound like a YouTuber going "YOOOOOOOO what the FUCK is up YouTube!! Thank you SO MUCH for six point nine TRILLION Subscribers! Means a lot to me!" - but I noticed that this page passed 200k views last year which is pretty wild, I still have no idea where people keep finding it. Regardless, if you're a new person finding this page, welcome!!!

I think that's all I wanted to say for now! Hopefully future me will look back on some parts of this post and think "it's not that deep brother". We shall see next year :D.

Layer 02: Gloom - July 22, 2022.

Hello everyone! Been a while since I last posted an update, I was a bit impatient with my 2021 post so it came a bit too early, mostly because I was very excited to talk about the PSX port project. This time I waited properly for my 21st birthday :D. You know, this idea of writing a yearly diary has been helpful, there were times at which I would randomly remember it and write down some thoughts that I found to be important, or worth mentioning. It strangely keeps me "grounded", I guess. It's currently 1:12AM and raining, so I thought I'd put a fitting background :D It's constantly been very sunny recently, today being the exception with a gloomy, white sky for the entire day, which is ironic, since I'm probably one of the only 3 people on planet earth to make a comment about the weather not as some form of a filler/icebreaker, but as a genuine comment, since a clear (clouds are fine as long as they're not gray and don't have a rainy vibe to them), blue, sunny sky makes me feel very nice.

The past year has been pretty cool in terms of programming project related stuff - zerno, elliot and I got to work on reverse-engineering the bootleg game, which is something that Buns requested way back when I first made lainland. I got to write a decently-sized project in C for the first time, which was very pleasant. It's one of those languages for me where the way you do things makes sense - the general paradigm and architecture of a project written in it. There were a couple of things that I didn't particularly enjoy about it, header files being a good example, but still. It's also the first language where I had to deal with UB, some of the bugs I saw would have probably taken me weeks to figure out on my own without the help of Valgrind (absolute godsend of a program). Overall it was a great learning experience.

Aside from that, I also got to write some other minor projects/scripts/etc in other languages, biggest one being in Java.

Currently, I'm rewriting the codebase for the PSX port, it's been a funny and humbling experience, it's filled with things and decisions that do not make any sense to me, to the point where I'm surprised I was even able to complete the project, even though it's only been a year or so since I wrote it. It makes me think whether I'll look back on my current work in another year and feel the same way about it, and if so, how long this will last D:

I have also switched to using Vim (specifically Neovim) as opposed to VSCode (web stuff)/Emacs (for everything else), except for Lisp-related things, I think Emacs is clearly superior in that regard. VSCode was VERY clunky for larger projects for some reason, the Vim emulation was not great, frequently buggy and in general slower. I've found that those minor inconveniences add up to cause stress fairly quickly. Of course, for Java/Kotlin and such I still use JetBrains software, which I don't have any issues with, it's great.

This year I also shut down lainland. I don't think I'll go into the reasoning behind it here, since I've already made an announcement on the server. I am very proud of how it turned out to be overall, it was a pleasure working on different projects, playing SuperTuxKart and hanging out in voice chat. It also served as a central "hub" for international lain-related stuff for the majority of its existence. I do have some regrets, feeling like I wasn't good enough to keep it in proper shape, but I hope that someone who's better than me at maintaining a community will create an even larger, more successful one in the future :D

I have also quit smoking! I don't even remember how long it's been but I'd assume it to be around 4-5 months by now. It's been fairly difficult, I still get nostalgic sometimes about having a cigarette, especially at times like these when it's chill and silent. BUT! I'm on the no-smoke grindset and I don't plan on stopping, that habit has caused me way more harm than good, even though I was fortunately young enough to not notice any negative effects directly impacting my health.

Other than that, life has been pretty colorless. Days just seem to melt together, lacking of short-term things to look forward to, which is the exact opposite of how I felt a couple years ago, it's not how I had imagined life to be like at this age. Feeling this way is probably one of the main reasons I enjoyed watching "The Tatami Galaxy" so much, if you haven't seen it, I suggest giving it a shot. The sequel for it is coming out in a couple of months, the image for this post is the "cover" art for it, I hope it will be at least nearly as good as the first one :D

I think that's about it for now! I will sit down sometime in the future and clean up this mess of a website because it is completely unmaintainable in its current form, even adding this post requires way more effort than it should.

Layer 01: Gratitude - June 27, 2021.

Hello everyone! It is time for another update. During the past year or so I've decided what to do with the website - I'll turn into a yearly diary of sorts, where each new update will be a new Layer. A wise man once told me that we make such websites as a desperate attempt to make something last longer than ourselves, and I think I agree with that. Maybe some random person in the future will enjoy reading through this. Maybe it'll be my children (which I don't plan on having (very awkward if you're my future kid reading this)), or my friends children. Fuck knows - either way, this should be fun.

Before we dive into what happened recently let's quickly skim over minor technical details. I have developed a deep hatred towards writing HTML/CSS, there's a good chance the codebase for this website will turn back into being a horrible mess, I'll likely inline every stylesheet and do just enough so that it works on a basic level. I'll also change the font to be a bit more readable.

With that out of the way, here it goes:
2020-2021 have been fun. Loads of fun. I got to work on the PSX SEL game port, which'll definitely be one of the most satisfying projects I'll develop during my lifetime. While this website started out as just simply a huge shitpost meme thing on SS, the paragraph "Lain community related thoughts and shit" were my genuine feelings, although a bit exaggerated. Because of this, during the initial development of the game port, I had very little expectations as to how much help I would receive, only expecting a couple people, if any, to be interested. The initial tweet blew up, the discord server got hundreds of members (1k+ as of writing this) and I found tons of talented people willing to help with the development of the game. It far exceeded my expectations, and I couldn't be more grateful to all the people who contributed. I doubt I would have been able to fully go through with the project without you guys.
Despite the PSX port being mostly done, I still have more SEL-related projects I'd like to work on, ranging from requests from friends to stuff I'd like to create/revive.

I'll also soon be turning 20, which feels weird to think about. As a kid I always used to think that people at that age were already on the verge of dying, having experienced most of what life had to offer. But here I am, not noticing much of a difference from those times to the present, excluding changes to my interests.

Other than that the past year or so has been rather uneventful - university, programming and overall studying related stuff, occassionally hanging out and also the pandemic, from which the part that annoyed me the most by far were the masks - not being able to smoke freely while outside was very stressful.

A small note:
While I wanted to apply as little changes to old parts of the website as possible, I've decided to get rid of INI/SS related stuff from it. It's been a decent while, almost a year, since I've been a part of it. It was not anything major, just an overall disagreement as to where the community was heading. Despite all of that, I'll always look back fondly on the memories I've made there, it really was fun while it lasted. Thanks for everything brothers!1

I think that's all I wanted to say for now. Editing this document now, I've noticed that just this Layer entry seems to have taken up a lot of screen space, I can't imagine what having over 40 of them or something would look like, I might have to come up with an alternative. Though having a single very long page sounds appealing in it's own way aswell... we'll see.

Update 22 July, 2020.

Hello everyone! Long time no see. It's been a while since I've made this site, close to 2 years. I was planning to just leave the site be the way it was, but considering the amount of attention it got after fauux and Blackwings followed me, I thought I should make an update. Also, today's my birthday, I've turned 19, so I thought it'd fit well to post something now.

>Why no updates?
First of all let's get this out of the way.

My interests have changed. I just didn't enjoy writing static webpages anymore. I still program, arguably more than ever, but writing pure HTML/CSS/JS burned me out.

I still do front-end webdev, but mostly using React.

>What's changed?
Well, considering I somehow gathered up the motivation to update the site, just writing a 100 line long paragraph wouldn't have been enough. I updated the code for all of the site, because it was atrociously bad. I've seen lots of people use my site as a template for their personal own, and I just felt bad having people use the abomination that the code my 17 year old self cobbled together was.

>What do you do now?
Nowadays I mostly work on dumb personal side-projects some of which you can check out on my GitHub.

Programming language-wise, I mostly interest myself in the Lisp family (primarily Scheme and Racket), TypeScript, Python for Machine Learning, Data gathering/analysis, etc. and currently have a growing interest in functional programming. Basically, any language that isn't strictly Object-Oriented like C# or Java I usually find awesome.

Other than that, I'm also "passionate" about ganoo linucs.
For anyone curious - my setup:
Distro: Arch
WM: Xmonad/i3
Terminal Emu: urxvt
Shell: zsh

>Where may I find you?
Considering some people have had trouble contacting me in the past due to my past Discord tag being outdated, I thought I might aswell put some contact info here aswell.

My social accounts:
Discord @ λd 0h f0r f0r#0191

If you want to talk to me about anything, by all means feel free to dm me right away. im lonly.

>The future of this webpage?
I plan to just leave it be. I'll for sure post more updates in the upcoming years, but nothing too major will change.

And no, I'm not going to update the title each year from "the ramblings of a 17 year old fanatic" to "the ramblings of a ${my current age} fanatic." Not going to happen. I was 17 when I designed this page, so it'll stay that way :^)

Serial Experiments Lain

Watch SEL

Some questions you may have for me I guess

Who the fuck are you?

I go by the nickname "ad044", "antidepressant044" or simply "ad". Most active over at Apollo but I do visit every Lain-themed site/imageboard/whatever regularly.

How old are you?

I am 17 years of age.

Where are you from?

I originally come from a different depressant which is not "Life". I'm on a mission to warn you b0is about the dangers of Adspace.

What purpose does this site have?


Lain community related thoughts and shit

I've had an interest toward Lain and the fanbase around her for a while now. For the past couple months it's developed into more of an obsession.

This obsession comes with the urge to create something so fucking good that it would unite every separated Lain fandom into one big community where people could collaborate and create Lain-related stuff. Currently the situation is quite shit. You want to be a part of re:wire? Join their telegram, discord server, whatever. You want to be on Arisuchan/Lainchan, etc? Go post there. You want to worship some 17 year old schizophrenics fantasy that uses Lain as a mascot? Go to SS. You want to go against that 17 year old schizo? Go to Apollo. Most of these communities have personal relationships with each other, drama, friendship, you name it. It's difficult to acquire/give/manipulate information and ideas between some of these communities since they're so separated. Therefore collaborating for potentially good Lain projects becomes tougher than it should. I want to create a service that unites every Lain fan into one.

I look at Lain religiously. She gives me motivation to do anything, be it study, code, breathe, what the fuck ever. I want to do her justice.